“Just have fun out there!”
Sounds supportive, right? But if you’ve ever said this to your athlete right before a race or game they’ve trained months for, you might have accidentally added pressure instead of relieving it.
I get it. As a parent of competitive athletes myself, I know you want to say the perfect thing. You want them to feel supported, not pressured. Confident, not anxious.
But here’s what I learned coaching for 8 years and watching my own kids compete: what we THINK is helpful isn’t always what athletes actually need to hear.
What NOT to Say (And Why)
“Just have fun!” Why it backfires: They’re nervous, prepared, and focused. “Have fun” feels dismissive of the stakes they feel. It can sound like you don’t understand how much this matters to them.
“Don’t be nervous.” Why it backfires: Now they’re nervous about being nervous. You’ve just made their anxiety the focus.
“Remember everything Coach taught you.” Why it backfires: That’s 47 things. Their brain just went into overthink mode.
“I’ll be watching!” Why it backfires: Great, now they’re performing for you instead of for themselves. Added pressure.
“You better win/PR/play well.” Why it backfires: Do I even need to explain this one? Pressure, pressure, pressure.
What TO Say Instead
“I’m excited to watch you compete.” Why it works: Positive, no pressure, no outcome attached. You’re there to support, not evaluate.
“Trust your training.” Why it works: Reminds them they’re prepared. Shifts focus from outcome to process.
“I love watching you do what you love.” Why it works: Takes all outcome pressure off. You’re proud of them for showing up, not for winning.
“What’s your focus today?” Why it works: Lets THEM tell YOU what matters. Helps them clarify their own goals.
Or simply: “Go get ’em.” Why it works: Short, confident, supportive. No overthinking required.
The Car Ride After
This is where parents mess up most. Your athlete just finished competing—maybe they won, maybe they bombed, maybe they’re somewhere in between.
Here’s the rule: Let them talk first.
If they want to debrief, listen. If they want silence, give it. If they want to cry or vent, hold space for it.
What NOT to say:
- “What happened out there?”
- “Why didn’t you do [thing coach said]?”
- “You’ll get ’em next time.” (when they’re still processing this time)
What TO say:
- “I’m proud of you for competing.”
- “Want to talk about it or leave it alone for now?”
- Or just: “I love you.”
The Real Job
Your job isn’t to coach them, fix them, or critique them on the drive home. Your job is to be the steady, supportive presence that reminds them their worth isn’t tied to their performance.
Coaches coach. Parents love.
My dad coached for over 40 years, and he never coached me in the car. He was just Dad. That separation mattered more than any pep talk ever could have.
Start Here
Next competition, commit to ONE supportive phrase before and ONE after. Keep it simple. Keep it pressure-free.
Your athlete will feel the difference.